Finding Purpose: REGRETS

Hey Friends!

I am glad your back. In my last post, I was talking about how my life seemed like a big mess compared to what I have always expected. You see for the past 20 years I have felt lots of emotions. I have felt proud, happy, depressed and also felt disappointed. These feelings are what I have been living with for the past 20 years and I have learned a lot from them. It was also these very feelings that helped me in figuring out who I was.

As I was growing up,  I remember dreaming about the same contents every single night. I would ask myself questions like, "What kind of person will I be? What will I do when I am in my twenties? Who will I marry?", and analyze all the possible other future careers that I can have. Looking back at it now, I could say I was happy then because I had a great time trying to visualize my future all the time.

During this time when I was dreaming big and making plans for my life, I made one big mistake, and that was telling people about my visions and trusting them with it. I wish I had been more careful when listening to their opinions, I wouldn't have accepted everything they said as true facts. After all, they only made sure to tell me it was never gonna happen, and that I was 'all talk and no action'. It was a let down for a kid like me, who was dreaming big but couldn't get support from her own people. But I never gave up and I kept on chasing for approval from the people I cared about the most. I tried very hard to make sure others were happy by being what ever they wanted me to be. I hurt my self and pushed away my passions that weren't realistic in their eyes and made sure to show what they liked. I ended up becoming someone who was pleasing everyone's needs with my life. I wanted for my parents, my friends and my church to accept, to love and want me.  I knew that my community had high hopes from me so I lived so I can get their acknowledgments and praise. As time went by, I finally noticed that no matter who I was or what I chose to be would never satisfy them, they had already given up on me. So I began to get lost in all these important pieces that never seem to fit into my puzzling life.

It took me twenty years to finally see: I was never my own person.

I was never a person of my own, I lived for Others!

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